It's weird how you don't plan and plan things and they still end up surprising you. My specific plan was not, and I mean NOT to fall in love.. and I'm still battling with that. But unfortunately my plan got quiet ruined by the fact that he's become so much sweeter, he's started to treat me the right way. Well in my opinion, the way I want to be treated by a guy. I didn't know someone could change so drastically but apparently it's quiet possible.
At the beginning I saw him as a arrogant piece of shit, that didn't know how to behave and to treat woman. An ass!! But in the back of my mind I kept thinking "this can't be him" so I decided to get to know him anyway and get myself under that hard layer of skin. And I must've done something right for him to change. But as sweet as this is, I know in my heart it won't last.. I'm leaving for home next year, and the longer we'll stay together, the more it's going to hurt in the end. Last night, I thought I heard him saying the three magical words, and directly after that he said, I love you're eyes! And I was like, "wait, what?" Can't be sure of course so I decided to just let it be. I must confess, I have been very close saying I love him as well, many times. Not sure what I mean or feel towards saying that. Do I really love him though? Would I regret it, if I said it? I feel like I'm straying him along my own emotions. Like I only want him there because I feel lonely. And that makes me feel so extremely guilty. But at the same time, I care for him like I think nobody has. Would it be ok to have him by my side, knowing he knows that I'm only having him there of selfish needs? Would it be more ok?
I feel so terribly confused. It truly is what they call a messy kind of love..