lördag 12 april 2014

Windy day, stormy life.

I'm supposed to be in love, I keep telling myself like the lyrics in Rihannas 'what now' song. I'm supposed to be in love, but I feel numb again.. After having you're heart broken into million pieces, you really get numb. Numb after all those years of not being good enough. You get so hurt that you just can't feel anything for anyone, you might like someone a lot, but you're heart won't allow you to be in love, to give you're heart out completely. I keep telling myself I will feel something for the guy I'm dating at the moment, that eventually I'll fall in love, but the more I say it the more I recent the whole idea.. Is it possible that to recent someone, the more you try? Sometimes I think I'm physically incapable of falling in love again. Physically incompetent to feel emotions for anyone ells than my close friends and family. For my friends and family, I'de give my life, my all. But for love..
Like Carrie in Sex & the city said, "Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love." Isn't that what we are all looking for? That big love?
I know I am. Carrie took those true feeling right out in words. I am someone looking for love, but not only love, but real and true love. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. That special someone.
I once thought that I had met that special someone. He was so special to me, I would give my life just to see him happy. For so many years I thought we'd last forever. Our favorite song was, Forever by Chris Brown. I was so madly in love, so inconveniently and also consumingly in love, that I didn't see that he was trying to change me. He slowly did. I gave my everything to him, whiles he didn't change, didn't give anything back. Never tried. He really did take me for granted. Thought I'de go all the way for him, whiles he'd just laid back and waited for me to be completely transformed into what he saw was 'perfect'. A perfect bride to be.
But what he didn't see was the change in me. My slowly recent fullness against him, but not just him but also myself. I recanted myself for changing for someone ells, slowly loosing myself to the un noticeable. My friends and family saw the change and tried to make me see, tried to make me understand. But how could I possibly see or understand when I was so in love?
It's crazy what you'd do for love. It wasn't until I met my other half in Australia that I understood that I should never, EVER change for anyone ells. He made me understand that love, true love should be loving each other completely and unconditionally. For not only their perfect appearance but also for their perfect imperfections.
No one is perfect. But you don't have to be. You just have to be yourself. Cause being yourself means being true to yourself and others. Whiles your being yourself, someone out there will think you are the most perfect there is. And someone will. Believe in that and believe in yourself.
Always be true, be real, and never change for anyone!

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