söndag 13 april 2014

Never shall leave this pointless game.

I was just scrolling through youtube and found something very beautiful. I don't know if it's made by this person but I just found it so incredibly deep and powerful, and thought I'de share it with you!

'Never shall leave this pointless game,
Not to turn to face the other fame,
Of world that sleep in wary boon,
That end the life of all too soon.
And here to catch the hint of hope,
Beyond the dreams that never cope.
Never shall leave you, never shall dare,
For such a little girl who acts so fare.' / Cedric Scorch

Maybe for some it's just empty and pointless words, but in so many ways it catches me in a way that poems don't usually do. Maybe I relate some how? Don't you ever find words that you relate to in a way others don't? How come it touches you so deep but not others? And you just can't seem to understand why nobody sees or feels what you see or feel?
Yesterday I cried for the first time in a year.. It was a really deep cry. The sort of cry you feel from the bottom of your heart, deep deep inside of your heart. I was meeting my date for dinner at his place and in the last minute I just couldn't do it, couldn't go there. So I texted saying I couldn't. The reaction I got from him was, well, expected. The poor thing had planned everything out, spending an hour buying groseries. Making everything lovely for us. So when I said I was sorry and I felt like an idiot he said 'well you are!' .. I didn't expect to hear that at all. How could he say that? I suffer from anxiety, in a way that stops me from doing things I'de like to and when it hits me, it hits hard and I shake so bad I can't even control it. And he knows it, and I did say it was the anxiety. But when he said he understood but still acted like a jerk I never felt so alone in this world. I felt like in that moment nobody understood what I felt and was going through. And for the first time in a year, the cry came out. And I felt really good afterwards. I went through this whole year packing all my feelings in a suitcase and put it deep in the closet where I couldn't reach it. But when I had that cry, I opened the suitcase and looked at what was inside. And what I found what old clothes and old pages from a book. I really had put my emotions aside for so long I just didn't know how to cope with it anymore. But isn't that almost how we all work? We burry our feelings so we don't have to feel anything. Don't have to feel hurt or judged?
I wish it was easy to always be open about everything. To tell someone how you feel without being rejected or neglected. I was scared of that for so many years, but now. I just don't care anymore. I have my family and my friends there to support me always. I don't need anyone ells.. Well maybe there's always room for a lovely person there. But the once I have, I know I'll have forever. And they'll have me forever.
Zoey xx

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