I haven't lived with my mom and sister for more than 2 years now and can't quite imagine living with them again. It's not because I don't love them or miss them every day I'm away from them but.. I don't know if it's a part of growing up and being an adult that happens or if it's just something wrong with me but I just can't go back.
I've had so many bad memories from my hometown. So few really good memories stayed with me when I finally left, but once in awhile I do come back to see my family and today when I went shopping and on my way back I could feel the fresh air of summer breeze coming towards me and I just don't feel that amazing feeling of freedom anywhere ells but home. No matter how far away I run to I will always call my hometown my 'home'.
My mother is leaving for Afghanistan soon and I'm really worried, naturally. I truly hope she'll be fine. So many people say they love their parents. Of course you love you're parents, but I can feel that my love for my mother is quite a different kind of love, the deeper kinda love. She has gone through literally hell for me and my siblings. So much beating, so much harassment and pain, not to mention suffering she's been going through. I could never, ever repay that dept.
I see so many kids growing up in a good home, with a healthy, still environment. With so little complainment, so little issues. Not knowing how much a person on the other side of the city, country, world is suffering, with actual, real problems. So many people don't want to see because they can't imagine that sort of pain or suffering. They don't know anything ells, but what they have or feel in their life.
One day I might come back to my hometown and live here with my family, but for now I'm just not ready. I haven't overcome my fear of the past. That fear of my past keeps haunting me, on my daily routines and dreams. Making me have anxiety beyond reconing. One day I'll overcome my fears and come back to my hometown glory.
lördag 24 maj 2014
torsdag 15 maj 2014
A messy kind of love
It's weird how you don't plan and plan things and they still end up surprising you. My specific plan was not, and I mean NOT to fall in love.. and I'm still battling with that. But unfortunately my plan got quiet ruined by the fact that he's become so much sweeter, he's started to treat me the right way. Well in my opinion, the way I want to be treated by a guy. I didn't know someone could change so drastically but apparently it's quiet possible.
At the beginning I saw him as a arrogant piece of shit, that didn't know how to behave and to treat woman. An ass!! But in the back of my mind I kept thinking "this can't be him" so I decided to get to know him anyway and get myself under that hard layer of skin. And I must've done something right for him to change. But as sweet as this is, I know in my heart it won't last.. I'm leaving for home next year, and the longer we'll stay together, the more it's going to hurt in the end. Last night, I thought I heard him saying the three magical words, and directly after that he said, I love you're eyes! And I was like, "wait, what?" Can't be sure of course so I decided to just let it be. I must confess, I have been very close saying I love him as well, many times. Not sure what I mean or feel towards saying that. Do I really love him though? Would I regret it, if I said it? I feel like I'm straying him along my own emotions. Like I only want him there because I feel lonely. And that makes me feel so extremely guilty. But at the same time, I care for him like I think nobody has. Would it be ok to have him by my side, knowing he knows that I'm only having him there of selfish needs? Would it be more ok?
I feel so terribly confused. It truly is what they call a messy kind of love..
At the beginning I saw him as a arrogant piece of shit, that didn't know how to behave and to treat woman. An ass!! But in the back of my mind I kept thinking "this can't be him" so I decided to get to know him anyway and get myself under that hard layer of skin. And I must've done something right for him to change. But as sweet as this is, I know in my heart it won't last.. I'm leaving for home next year, and the longer we'll stay together, the more it's going to hurt in the end. Last night, I thought I heard him saying the three magical words, and directly after that he said, I love you're eyes! And I was like, "wait, what?" Can't be sure of course so I decided to just let it be. I must confess, I have been very close saying I love him as well, many times. Not sure what I mean or feel towards saying that. Do I really love him though? Would I regret it, if I said it? I feel like I'm straying him along my own emotions. Like I only want him there because I feel lonely. And that makes me feel so extremely guilty. But at the same time, I care for him like I think nobody has. Would it be ok to have him by my side, knowing he knows that I'm only having him there of selfish needs? Would it be more ok?
I feel so terribly confused. It truly is what they call a messy kind of love..
söndag 13 april 2014
Never shall leave this pointless game.
I was just scrolling through youtube and found something very beautiful. I don't know if it's made by this person but I just found it so incredibly deep and powerful, and thought I'de share it with you!
'Never shall leave this pointless game,
Not to turn to face the other fame,
Of world that sleep in wary boon,
That end the life of all too soon.
And here to catch the hint of hope,
Beyond the dreams that never cope.
Never shall leave you, never shall dare,
For such a little girl who acts so fare.' / Cedric Scorch
Maybe for some it's just empty and pointless words, but in so many ways it catches me in a way that poems don't usually do. Maybe I relate some how? Don't you ever find words that you relate to in a way others don't? How come it touches you so deep but not others? And you just can't seem to understand why nobody sees or feels what you see or feel?
Yesterday I cried for the first time in a year.. It was a really deep cry. The sort of cry you feel from the bottom of your heart, deep deep inside of your heart. I was meeting my date for dinner at his place and in the last minute I just couldn't do it, couldn't go there. So I texted saying I couldn't. The reaction I got from him was, well, expected. The poor thing had planned everything out, spending an hour buying groseries. Making everything lovely for us. So when I said I was sorry and I felt like an idiot he said 'well you are!' .. I didn't expect to hear that at all. How could he say that? I suffer from anxiety, in a way that stops me from doing things I'de like to and when it hits me, it hits hard and I shake so bad I can't even control it. And he knows it, and I did say it was the anxiety. But when he said he understood but still acted like a jerk I never felt so alone in this world. I felt like in that moment nobody understood what I felt and was going through. And for the first time in a year, the cry came out. And I felt really good afterwards. I went through this whole year packing all my feelings in a suitcase and put it deep in the closet where I couldn't reach it. But when I had that cry, I opened the suitcase and looked at what was inside. And what I found what old clothes and old pages from a book. I really had put my emotions aside for so long I just didn't know how to cope with it anymore. But isn't that almost how we all work? We burry our feelings so we don't have to feel anything. Don't have to feel hurt or judged?
I wish it was easy to always be open about everything. To tell someone how you feel without being rejected or neglected. I was scared of that for so many years, but now. I just don't care anymore. I have my family and my friends there to support me always. I don't need anyone ells.. Well maybe there's always room for a lovely person there. But the once I have, I know I'll have forever. And they'll have me forever.
Zoey xx
'Never shall leave this pointless game,
Not to turn to face the other fame,
Of world that sleep in wary boon,
That end the life of all too soon.
And here to catch the hint of hope,
Beyond the dreams that never cope.
Never shall leave you, never shall dare,
For such a little girl who acts so fare.' / Cedric Scorch
Maybe for some it's just empty and pointless words, but in so many ways it catches me in a way that poems don't usually do. Maybe I relate some how? Don't you ever find words that you relate to in a way others don't? How come it touches you so deep but not others? And you just can't seem to understand why nobody sees or feels what you see or feel?
Yesterday I cried for the first time in a year.. It was a really deep cry. The sort of cry you feel from the bottom of your heart, deep deep inside of your heart. I was meeting my date for dinner at his place and in the last minute I just couldn't do it, couldn't go there. So I texted saying I couldn't. The reaction I got from him was, well, expected. The poor thing had planned everything out, spending an hour buying groseries. Making everything lovely for us. So when I said I was sorry and I felt like an idiot he said 'well you are!' .. I didn't expect to hear that at all. How could he say that? I suffer from anxiety, in a way that stops me from doing things I'de like to and when it hits me, it hits hard and I shake so bad I can't even control it. And he knows it, and I did say it was the anxiety. But when he said he understood but still acted like a jerk I never felt so alone in this world. I felt like in that moment nobody understood what I felt and was going through. And for the first time in a year, the cry came out. And I felt really good afterwards. I went through this whole year packing all my feelings in a suitcase and put it deep in the closet where I couldn't reach it. But when I had that cry, I opened the suitcase and looked at what was inside. And what I found what old clothes and old pages from a book. I really had put my emotions aside for so long I just didn't know how to cope with it anymore. But isn't that almost how we all work? We burry our feelings so we don't have to feel anything. Don't have to feel hurt or judged?
I wish it was easy to always be open about everything. To tell someone how you feel without being rejected or neglected. I was scared of that for so many years, but now. I just don't care anymore. I have my family and my friends there to support me always. I don't need anyone ells.. Well maybe there's always room for a lovely person there. But the once I have, I know I'll have forever. And they'll have me forever.
Zoey xx
lördag 12 april 2014
Windy day, stormy life.
I'm supposed to be in love, I keep telling myself like the lyrics in Rihannas 'what now' song. I'm supposed to be in love, but I feel numb again.. After having you're heart broken into million pieces, you really get numb. Numb after all those years of not being good enough. You get so hurt that you just can't feel anything for anyone, you might like someone a lot, but you're heart won't allow you to be in love, to give you're heart out completely. I keep telling myself I will feel something for the guy I'm dating at the moment, that eventually I'll fall in love, but the more I say it the more I recent the whole idea.. Is it possible that to recent someone, the more you try? Sometimes I think I'm physically incapable of falling in love again. Physically incompetent to feel emotions for anyone ells than my close friends and family. For my friends and family, I'de give my life, my all. But for love..
Like Carrie in Sex & the city said, "Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love." Isn't that what we are all looking for? That big love?
I know I am. Carrie took those true feeling right out in words. I am someone looking for love, but not only love, but real and true love. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. That special someone.
I once thought that I had met that special someone. He was so special to me, I would give my life just to see him happy. For so many years I thought we'd last forever. Our favorite song was, Forever by Chris Brown. I was so madly in love, so inconveniently and also consumingly in love, that I didn't see that he was trying to change me. He slowly did. I gave my everything to him, whiles he didn't change, didn't give anything back. Never tried. He really did take me for granted. Thought I'de go all the way for him, whiles he'd just laid back and waited for me to be completely transformed into what he saw was 'perfect'. A perfect bride to be.
But what he didn't see was the change in me. My slowly recent fullness against him, but not just him but also myself. I recanted myself for changing for someone ells, slowly loosing myself to the un noticeable. My friends and family saw the change and tried to make me see, tried to make me understand. But how could I possibly see or understand when I was so in love?
It's crazy what you'd do for love. It wasn't until I met my other half in Australia that I understood that I should never, EVER change for anyone ells. He made me understand that love, true love should be loving each other completely and unconditionally. For not only their perfect appearance but also for their perfect imperfections.
No one is perfect. But you don't have to be. You just have to be yourself. Cause being yourself means being true to yourself and others. Whiles your being yourself, someone out there will think you are the most perfect there is. And someone will. Believe in that and believe in yourself.
Always be true, be real, and never change for anyone!
Like Carrie in Sex & the city said, "Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love." Isn't that what we are all looking for? That big love?
I know I am. Carrie took those true feeling right out in words. I am someone looking for love, but not only love, but real and true love. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. That special someone.
I once thought that I had met that special someone. He was so special to me, I would give my life just to see him happy. For so many years I thought we'd last forever. Our favorite song was, Forever by Chris Brown. I was so madly in love, so inconveniently and also consumingly in love, that I didn't see that he was trying to change me. He slowly did. I gave my everything to him, whiles he didn't change, didn't give anything back. Never tried. He really did take me for granted. Thought I'de go all the way for him, whiles he'd just laid back and waited for me to be completely transformed into what he saw was 'perfect'. A perfect bride to be.
But what he didn't see was the change in me. My slowly recent fullness against him, but not just him but also myself. I recanted myself for changing for someone ells, slowly loosing myself to the un noticeable. My friends and family saw the change and tried to make me see, tried to make me understand. But how could I possibly see or understand when I was so in love?
It's crazy what you'd do for love. It wasn't until I met my other half in Australia that I understood that I should never, EVER change for anyone ells. He made me understand that love, true love should be loving each other completely and unconditionally. For not only their perfect appearance but also for their perfect imperfections.
No one is perfect. But you don't have to be. You just have to be yourself. Cause being yourself means being true to yourself and others. Whiles your being yourself, someone out there will think you are the most perfect there is. And someone will. Believe in that and believe in yourself.
Always be true, be real, and never change for anyone!
torsdag 10 april 2014
A new chapter!
Hi everyone. (or the ones who read this).
I decided to create my own blogg and write about whatever. My life, post pictures of my drawings and other stuff. So here it goes!
Today is a typical boring, rainy and absolutely dull day. Not exactly a good start perhaps, but you know, at least it is a start. I work everyday, except thursday. So today was my day off. The first thing I decided to do was to go to the swedish amassed to get my new passport. I thought it was opened from 14-15 but of course it was closed when I got there. Of all days, today was closed, just my luck. After that I went to the mall, buying some presents for my mothers birthday. God, I miss my family sometimes.. living in Norway, so far away from Sweden. It gets lonely, even if I have a lot of friends here and lovely people helping and supporting me it's not the same thing not having you're family near you. But at the same time, I want to break free and live. I don't know where life is going to take me, but all I know is that I can't get stuck somewhere. I always have to keep going, moving on, and getting up. Right now I'm just working, not studying or anything. People keep asking me, 'Is that all you're doing?' .. Yes, that's all I'm doing at the moment. Because I don't know what ells to do. I keep looking at stuff to study but I just get even more confused. I'm just scared that I'll be studying something for years and then not being able to get a job afterwards.. It would be a complete waist. Well nothing is a total waist, but you guys know what I mean.
Sometime's I feel like I'm in a limbo.. my life hasn't started yet. And that I'm waiting for something big to happen. Not sure what exactly I'm waiting for.. but something or maybe, just maybe.. someone.
Well I'll might write a little bit later, right now, it's movie time. Catch you guys later ;) xx
I decided to create my own blogg and write about whatever. My life, post pictures of my drawings and other stuff. So here it goes!
Today is a typical boring, rainy and absolutely dull day. Not exactly a good start perhaps, but you know, at least it is a start. I work everyday, except thursday. So today was my day off. The first thing I decided to do was to go to the swedish amassed to get my new passport. I thought it was opened from 14-15 but of course it was closed when I got there. Of all days, today was closed, just my luck. After that I went to the mall, buying some presents for my mothers birthday. God, I miss my family sometimes.. living in Norway, so far away from Sweden. It gets lonely, even if I have a lot of friends here and lovely people helping and supporting me it's not the same thing not having you're family near you. But at the same time, I want to break free and live. I don't know where life is going to take me, but all I know is that I can't get stuck somewhere. I always have to keep going, moving on, and getting up. Right now I'm just working, not studying or anything. People keep asking me, 'Is that all you're doing?' .. Yes, that's all I'm doing at the moment. Because I don't know what ells to do. I keep looking at stuff to study but I just get even more confused. I'm just scared that I'll be studying something for years and then not being able to get a job afterwards.. It would be a complete waist. Well nothing is a total waist, but you guys know what I mean.
Sometime's I feel like I'm in a limbo.. my life hasn't started yet. And that I'm waiting for something big to happen. Not sure what exactly I'm waiting for.. but something or maybe, just maybe.. someone.
Well I'll might write a little bit later, right now, it's movie time. Catch you guys later ;) xx
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